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THE MORONIC PLAGUE By Hersh Jacob ©1987 – ACT I– Prologue
[Stage is black. Pitch black. A voice issues with echo from everywhere:] Note: “The
Voice” must be neither male or female, machine or child, but all
of these. It is potent,
powerful but soft and calm. No
threat but not emotionless.
Voice Off in the void. The pure chaos of space. The universe. The ether. The empty vastnothingness of all the ordered galaxies. The limitless infinite undefined.
W-a-a-y off. Out there. Lurked a single infinitesimal micro-sub-micro-scopic atomic molecule & within that sub micro sub atomol – there: The ultimate & eventual demise of the entire human race waited.
Meanwhile, In another part of that void as described above, there sat a team of dedicated individuals. [a dim light slowly fades up to reveal] Their collective task was to pool together their absolute individual remarkable uniquely divine and perfect minds and through each individual’s specialty – subtle weaving and merging of each one’s talent brought together the depiction of this play – a discourse of amazing realizations – a revealment of the unbelievable and yet _________.
THE MORONIC PLAGUE!!!
Note: the
moronic plague, when spoken, should have an underlying gibberish beneath
it. The gibberish should
core
Scene II
Note: The
lights come up to full as the voice faces to zero. . . . [Somewhere - in Arizona - night time - 194 – - Hot. Quiet. The “As – You – Like – It” Tavern (see B. Brecht: Rise and Fall of the City of Mahagonny (otherwise known as Suckerville) for settings)
[Einstein and a group of scientists / military types and members of the press are hanging around and talking – consuming pitchers of beer.] [Johnny and the boys are old news. Fatty, Begbick and Moses are old. They sing tearfully and reminiscently the Alabama song – Slow. Quiet. And tend the bar.]
Einstein: Vell, Vhee hud nu ideah zat itt vould’ve peehalved like itt didd. Zat itt vould yield sooch a ting az . . . . . .
The scene freezes. Lights shift. Dim but for one hard spot. Fatty, Begbick and Moses step into the spot.
Begbick: Ah shaddup! What a bunch of bull feathers.
Fatty: Wazzat?
Moses: Listen.
Begbick: (To audience. Begbick now puts on a lab coat, picks up a pointer. Pulls down a chart, steps up to a podium.) (The chart is blank)
The Moronic Plague is an invisible organism that is absolutely untraceable as you can clearly see by the blankness of the chart before you.
Fatty & Moses: (together) Yes. Uh Huh – I see. Go on. Yes do go on.
Begbick: At the Manhattan Project Base, somewhere in Arizona, Einstein and his fellow wiz kids were involved in a project to split the atom. This, they felt, could be used as the boon of a new age. The age of the atom.
[Lights shift back to same scene as opening of the play. (B, F & M strike chart etc. Einstein now speaks with no accent.] (F, B & M sing as before. The strike all props like beef jugs etc.)
Einstein: Well, we had no idea that it would’ve behaved like it did. That it would yield such a thing as a new strain of organism and that this sub micro sub scopic atomital may prove to be the eventual demise of the entire human race as we now know it to be.
Reporter: Wadyameanperfesser?
Soldier: No questions.
Scientist: But Albert, what you are saying is nonsense. Fantasy. You know there is no basis for any of this. Balderdash fluh dubbery esh da biddle nom quid tempestuousness pro nellumesque.
Soldier: No statements.
Reporter: Vooley allah beddo alahambra eddy dutchen ban play?
Einstein: Ah, my poor compatriots. It has happened all ready to all of you.
Begbick: Professor?
Soldier: Nix lamentations.
Fatty Show us the way to the next. . . .to the next. . . .to the. . . .to. . . . . . .oh. . . . Moses
Fade out to black. . . . .
“Personal”“a constantly repeating, redundant, repetitious
redundancy.” (in
pairs) 1) a+b 2) c+d 3) a+c 4) c+b 5) d+a 6) b+d the thrust of these vignettes is the sameness in situations Renovations - - changing - - making ‘it’ ours
Each pair enters – in love – with each other, with themselves, with the newness of it all! They are about to embark on a new point in their relationship. This could be their first apartment, house, loft, farm house, condo, abode/habitation together - - - or their tenth!
a) Oh! THIS is PERFECT! JUST PERFECT!!
b) I LOVE IT! PERRRRRFECT yes. P’RFCT p’rfct, p’rfct.
a) Empty space – Open areas – YESSSSPACCCCCEYESSS!
b) ROOOM- room to move – b – rooommmmy roomssss rooms some rooms a room here and one here and – a) yesyes Yes! Space for ROOOMS! ROOMS! Rooms – open areas give rooms space to be - - b) be ROOOMMMY – like – like – I LIKE lots of rooms in this big empty space.
Then a) +b) start to renovate the space. They erect walls - install door frames – They change their minds – confer – then they concur – finish “YESSSS-P’RFCTp’rfctp’rfct.” They exit. Note: This scene(as redundant variations) is played numerous times throughout the PLAGUE.
Scene III
A new scene opens. The stage is blank. Empty. Around the perimeter on three sides are the properties, costumes etc. Einstein walks onto the stage – he looks all around him. Bewildered. Whimsical.
Einstein: (to audience) Well. Like Begbick was telling you, oh, and like I was trying to tell those others. Ah – I don’t really know how to start. – Remember when at the beginning of this play that voice in the dark was telling you about that little atomital waiting? - Anyway – when that gang and I teamed up, bent on splitting the atom, uh – I didn’t know! I didn’t know!! We – unleashed – the Moronic Plague – ripped the fibre – shifted the axis – Ah hell. . . . .
Black. Music up into
Scene IV
Lights come up on blank chart, Begbick, Fatty and Moses – dressed like Doctor / Scientists, Nurses aids.
Begbick: The Moronic Plague has obvious stages of contagion. STAGE THE FIRST:
Fatty BUREACRACY! Moses A company’s known by the people it keeps!
A scene opens to one side. There is a line up – some what ordered but surly. A teller’s wicket has been set up. As the light comes up we see the first person in line is a cheerful, patient citizen who is quietly almost serenely reading a book while waiting. The person at the wicket leaves.
Teller: Next please.
Note: loop this sequence “what’s the difference?” and play it five times. The teller always remains the same. The citizen is unnerved by #3 and purple but restrained by #5.
Fatty A Bureaucracy is a giant organism run by pygmies! Moses Begbick
The citizen steps up to the wicket.
Teller: What can we do for you today?
Citizen: Hello! How’s everything today? Beautiful day today, eh?
Teller: Citizen: Yes. Well. I’m going on holidays and need $500.00 travelers cheques! –
Teller: Would you like American Express or Visa traveler’s cheques?
Citizen: What’s the difference?
Teller: There is no difference.
Citizen: Then it doesn’t matter!
Teller: Would you prefer American Express or Visa traveler’s cheques?
Citizen: AMERICAN EXPRESS!
Teller: In what denomination? Ten 50’s? Fifty 10’s? Twenty-five 20’s? Five 100’s?
Citizen: What’s the difference – whatever is easiest.
Teller: Ten 50’s? Fifty 10’s? Twenty-five 20’s? Five 100’s?
[the scene fades. A phone rings in the distance]
Fatty A sure sign of a bureaucracy is the 1st person who answers the phone can’t Begbick help you Moses
Black.
Scene V
Same “non” setting as Scene III.
Again Einstein enters as before befuddled & bewildered. He removes his glasses and cleans the lenses, meticulously examines them in the hard spot he has shuffled into. He collects himself & addresses the audience directly. . . .
Einstein: O.K. O.K. O.K. Now – That must have at least shown you –
What? - No? O.K. I’ll explain. Before we did it in Arizona and then again over there in Japan (Twice no less!) Ach! - Anyway.
Before that moment of fissure, the entire world, attitudes, were, well, were different than how it is now. The contagion set in so totally that everyone contracted it at the same instant. E V E R Y O N E !
I MEAN IT DAMMIT! YOU GOT IT – I GOTTIT – THEY ALL – WE ALL ALL Gottinhimmell gott ogott.
Begbick: Now, the Moronic Plague is spread word of mouth –
Einstein: No - - THAT’S ALL premature to comprehension of the totality I am here to bring to you.
Now –
[voices from off stage of two people arguing are heard. The argument rises and falls in both tempo and volume as Einstein speaks.]
Einstein: Now – as I was saying . . .(he cleans his glasses in the spot exactly as before) the T O T A L I T Y OF THE MORONIC PLAGUE was so absolute, so vast . . . . . (he starts to fall into some sort of reverie) As a universal truth, this applies to every-one. The joy has gone out of our lives. That ‘thing’ of living for life’s sake. Cleanly, clearly, sanely, evenly, ACH! Why can I not make it clear . . . The joy has gone out of our lives . . Morality. Truth. The marvelous sense of a way to Better this world. This life. Quality of life is the bottom line.
[Voices again interrupt.]
Fatty [enter and announce] Begbick STAGE THE SECOND! AGE! Moses Old age is like everything else. . . to make a success of it you gotta start out young!
[O.V. & Y.V. (old voice & young voice) enter. They are embroiled in an argument.]
O.V. When I was young, life was different than now. A loaf of bread and a quart of milk were –
Y.V. Yeah. Yeah. – Twenty-five cents!
O.V. A dollar was -
Y.V. Yeah. Yeah. A dollar.
Fatty All this fuss about age is foolish. Begbick Every time I’m one year older, everyone else is too!!! Moses Fatty: Age hathnoexperience Experience has no age I once met a man who Was 90 years As naive as 10 year old Sage
Moses: Wisdom comes to anyone Open enough to receive it Age merely Grows on one Like shoots sprout from a pit
Begbick: Experience is cumulative You gain it by degrees Age is a by-product of Years and years And eating only what agrees.
Fatty This little poem really Begbick Has but one point Mosses One thought one new Piece of news & that is simply that Experience is a gathering Of countless moments Whispered to you by some Invisible muse.
Einstein: But no Time was different – Times were different - . . .
All . . . different . . .
#1 What Was Different Then?
#2 What Is Different Now?
#3 What’s The Difference?
#2 Between Was
#1 And Is
#3 Besides Tense?
#1 Past & Present –
#2 Time I Relative –
Einstein: AH! Time IS Relative – And NOW is different than THEN – And WILL is different – But in a Different sense –
#3 Tense
Einstein: In a way – but not exactly – as – “let – us – say – “ as a Play on words –
#1 “As conjugation is to tense
#2 - time is to sense of reality.”
Einstein: REALITY ? ? – This is NOT reality. This is a depiction – A – facsimile – a PORTRAYAL of – not ACTUALIZATION OF – of – of – of –
#1,2 &3 of – of – of –
Einstein: S T O P this is getting out of hand – F I V E ! TIME – STOP . . . .
#1,2 &3 (they show confusion – as if this outburst is unexpected – a departure from the text)
Einstein: What do you think this place is people?
#1 I BEG YOU PARDON ---
Einstein: What do you think this place is people?
#2 uh – I’m not quite sure I understand
Einstein: What do you think this place is people?
#3 What are you saying?!
Einstein: SAYING?! SAYING?! I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I’M SAYING?!
(he catches his breath)
This is not real. This is a play – those are audience – these are lamps – that is an actor – this is a false moustache –
#1 So what’s the difference?
Einstein: Well, before the project test, Times were different
But no. Time was different. Times were different. Really. No one remembers. People were – things were – Wages were – Attitudes were All different. I could go out on a bright spring day and say hello to all that past. You know – they all would respond – eye to eye – contact. – Genuine care –
O.V. Now – Didchyal hear that?! Easy for all you kids to say now! I lived through a depression and a war – I had no choice but to buckle down and –
Y.V. Yes. You had no choice. You’ve never had to be responsible to make your own decisions about your destiny. Those decisions have always been make for you.
O.V. What – I
Y.V. Try it sometime – Oh yes! Careers Day – Pick your life’s work in a supermarket. Decide to take that Latin course in Grade VIII so you can guide the world to a brighter future 15 years later! Try it: Make your own decision sometime.
Einstein: But don’t either of you understand that it is the Moronic Plague strain which has –
F. B. M: It’s not how old you are but how you are old.
Einstein: (looking at the O.V. /Y.V. then to audience. Quietly.) Adolescence is that period when a child refuses to believe that someday (s)he’ll be as dumb as his parent.
BLACK.
Scene VI
Voice: STAGE THE THIRD THE ISSUE IS HUMANITY
The ultimate effect of shielding humanity from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
Lights come up on the “As You Like It” Tavern. The scene opens with a Reporter, Scientist and Soldier around a small table. The three are in a trance almost – stunned
Scientist: I – I – I – can’t quite
Reporter: Yeah neiderc’n I almost. Soldier: If you can’t believe it you can’t see it.
Scientist: (aghast) Believing is seeing?!
Is that what you think?!
Soldier: Yup.
Reporter: C’ni quotchu ondat?
Soldier: Huh?
Scientist: Beware of the person who knows the answers before they understand the question.
Soldier: Huh?!
Reporter: Well then (to Scientist) Waddyou tink den?
Scientist: Failure is the path of the least resistance.
Soldier: Huh?!?
Scientist: (to Soldier) Listen, it is harder to conceal ignorance than acquire knowledge!
Soldier: Huh?!!?
Scientist: (to Reporter about Soldier) A bore is a person who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company. . .
Soldier: Huh!?!!?!
Reporter: But c’mon gimme the straight stuff huh?
The Scientist leans over and whispers something into the Reporters ear. The Reporter jumps up and runs out grinning full of “news”. Soldier looks at Scientist.
Scientist: (quietly) Some people’ll believe anything as long as it’s whispered to them!
Black.
Scene VII
Lights up.
The stage is blank. Einstein enters. He is out of character. Just as the house lights come up, other actors also come on.
Einstein: (to audience) Well, we’ve about come to a point that is known as “inter-mission.” A word made up of two words: “inter” – from the Latin for “between” and mitteure “to cause to go” as an accepted meaning. However, for our needs tonight, I think of “inter” as with “act” – Inter-act – “a short piece in a play acted between the principal pieces.” “The inter-val between the acts of drama . . . .
Actor #1: What’re y’talking about? I thought this was a break – 15 minutes – coffee – cool out – pee . . . .
Einstein: Well, but there is no escaping this plague. I mean that’s not fancy but fact. Life. This is real – no game.
Actor #2: Excuse me “Albert” but the art of acting consists in keeping the audience members from coughing.
Actor #1: An actor is one with infinite capacity for . . . . . . taking praise (grand bow) (applause)
Einstein: (quoting) “He who seeks only for applause . . . has all his happiness in another’s keeping.”
Actor #3: I’m thirsty and I want a break and you three are still doing bits . . . . . are we or are we not having an intermission?
Voice: I answer in the affirmative with an emphatic no!
Actor #3: (to Voice) Not you! - Albert . . . ?
Einstein: At the opening of this scene, I said: (and I quote) “Well, we’ve about come to a point.” - The optimum word is “ABOUT.”
Actors #1,2,3: Oh! I thought, excuse (etc) – (verbal noises of embarrassments)
Einstein: (to audience) A good scare is worth more to one than good advice!
Instant black – house & stage. Music comes up slowly . . . . . Houselights up very slowly . . . the stage stays blank and black.
Voice: 15 minute inter-inter . . . inter. . . . . (fades out to music – Cab Calloway) 15-minute intermission folks.
End: ACT I
© Hersh Jacob 26/07/87
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