THE MORONIC PLAGUE By Hersh Jacob ©1987

-ACT II-

RELATIONSHIPS

“Personal”

“a constantly repeating, redundant, repetitious redundancy.”

1) a+b 2) c+d 3) a+c 4) c+b 5) d+a 6) b+d

the thrust of these ‘vignettes’ is the sameness in situations.

Renovation - - changing - - making ‘it’ ours.

Each pair enters – in love – with each other, with themselves, with the newness of it all! They are about to embark on a new point in their relationship. This could be their first apartment, house, loft, farmhouse, condo, abode/habitation - - - or their tenth!

c) Oh! THIS is PERFECT! JUST PERFECT ! !

d) I LOVE IT! PERRRRRFECT yes. P’RFECTp’rfect, p’rfct.

c) ROOMS ! Defined areas – YESSSSROOOOOOMSYESSS!

d) ROOOM – room to move – be – rooommmmy roomssss rooms some rooms take out a room here and one here and -

c) yesyes YES! ROOOMS! ROOMS! Rooms make space for – open areas - space to be - -

d) be ROOOMMMY – like – like – I LIKE this big empty space. Lots of rooms in the way though . . . .

Then c) + d) start to renovate the space. They take down walls – door frames – They

change their minds – confer – then they concur –

Finish together – “YESSSS-P’RFCTp’rfctp’rfct”

They exit.

“PROFESSIONAL”

Two separate areas on stage. Three characters.

Area One Employer Mr. Or Mrs. Teddie (one phone)

Area Two Two employees Freddie and Max (at water cooler)

*this scene is played split focus – i.e. M(?) Teddie speaks into the telephone as Freddie speaks to Max. This takes place on opposite sides of the stage with a freestanding doorframe as a ‘boundary’ of sorts between the two areas. It’s a large factory or corporation. M(?) Teddie and Freddie speak in unison throughout the scene. Both are livid. Max responds alone . . . . . . .

Teddie/Freddie THAT INDIVIDUAL hasn’t an IOTA of an idea of what it takes to

KEEP this place ticking.

Max They never do . . . do they.

Teddie/Freddie You’v hit the NAIL on the head there PAL, THEY never DO! I

mean GET THIS - - YESterDAY they walk up to me THEY just – You KNOW – saunter up to ME –

Max Yeah – saunter Right?

Teddie/Freddie YEAH – saunter – saunters up to me AND says: “When you have

a minute I want to talk to you – “

Max Just like that? Without Any Howdyado about it? Just “When you have a –“

Teddie/Freddie - Have A MINUTE I want to TALK with YOU!” LIKE I GOT NOTHIN’ BETTER to do than – than THAN –

Max - than la-De-dah talk to at THEIR fucking-conVENience! Whath’hell! WHO the f-

Teddie/Freddie THAT’S what I say too! I mean – I’VE about HAD IT! I’ve had it to HERE!

(they make a sawing motion across the throat)

Max Well I don’t blame you. I don’t blame you one bit. NO ONE would. What’re you gonnaDO?

Teddie/Freddie DO? DO? ? I’LL TELL YOU what I’m GONNADO - - I’MM GONNA – GOING TO -

(At this point both Teddie & Freddie start to lose it. Their respective ANGER frustrates their ability to be at all coherent. Teddie hangs up the telephone. Freddie crumples his paper water cup. Each move to the doorframe. They stand nose to nose. The anger erupts.)

Teddie/Freddie I HAVE SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY TO YOU ! ! !

OH YEAH?

WHAT ? ?

Teddie You’re FIRED! !

Freddie I QUIT! !

BLACK OUT

Lights come back up on Einstein alone. Centre stage. Blank stage. Eyes wide.

Einstein: It can never be the way it was once you know how it is.

Black.

Scene III

Black.

Voice: Who ever still believes the sky is the limit has no imagination.

Fatty Stage the Fifth!

Begbick The issue is . . . . .

Moses The issue is . . . .

The issue is . . . .

The lights come up with a BANG! Bluish-white and dull.

Fatty, Begbick and Moses are buzzed out staring at a dead T.V.

We hear the soundtrack of the news.

Boomp-tee duddle-dup

Announcer: And now the news . . . .

Tonight’s headlines . . . .

Voice: Off in the void. The pure chaos of space. The universe. The ether. The empty vast-nothingness of all the ordered galaxies. The limitless infinite undefined . . . .

Way off. Out there. Lurked a single, inf ----

Moses: (reaches forward and changes the channel)

I seen this already . . .”

We now hear the soundtrack of the Dick Van Dyke Show theme song. . . .

Fatty: . . . Ha! He’s so unlucky that he runs into accidents that started out to happen to somebody else.

Begbick reaches forward and changes the channel.

We now hear the soundtrack of “The Price is Right.” . . . “C’mon down.” The three glaze into the dead tube. Transfixed . . . the sound becomes muddy – unclear. “Bloated” somehow . . . .

Einstein enters – unseen by Fatty, Begbick and Moses . . . He crosses to the tube and turns it off.

Einstein: (to audience) Television has a lot of first grade comedy in it. The problem is most of the audience have gone beyond the first grade!

Black.

“The Issue is Relationships”

“PERSONAL”

“a constantly repeating, redundant, repetitious redundancy.”

1) a+b 2) c+d 3) a+c 4) c+b 5) d+a 6) b+d

the thrust of these vignettes is the sameness in situations

Renovations - - changing - - making ‘it’ ours

a) Oh! THIS is PERFECT! JUST PERFECT!!

b) I LOVE IT! PERRRRRFECT yes. P’RFCT p’rfct, p’rfct.

a) Empty space – Open areas – YESSSSPACCCCCEYESSS!

b) ROOOM- room to move – b – rooommmmy roomssss rooms some rooms a room here and one here and –

a) yesyes Yes! Space for ROOOMS! ROOMS! Rooms – open areas give rooms space to be - -

b) be ROOOMMMY – like – like – I LIKE lots of rooms in this big empty space.

Then a) +b) start to renovate the space. They erect walls - install door frames – They

change their minds – confer – then they concur – finish “YESSSS-P’RFCTp’rfctp’rfct.”

Scene V

Einstein is on stage at table – seated. Fatty is also at table playing solitaire. Neither is paying the least bit of attention to each other. However, each is intent on the game as it plays itself out perfectly.

This takes time. Fatty is obviously cheating and makes no attempt to hide this fact – the point is that no one even suspects this is wrong.

This is a ‘confrontation’ between the two factions or schools of thought.

1) Einstein believes there is a plague strain

2) Fatty thinks Einstein is crazy – old – out-of-step.

Einstein uh – Excuse me –

Fatty wad’ya’want?

Einstein Does it always work out so easily?

Fatty y e a h . . . w h y ?

Einstein But that’s impossible.

Fatty NAW – SKILL – pure skill!

Fatty is starting another game. It is playing itself out with ease. Einstein watches with a fixed amazement.

Einstein Now the probability of it working out once is –

Fatty (in a quiet tone) Hey – for once – put your money where your mouth is –

Einstein I beg your pardon - - -

Fatty (in a louder tone) I said “hey – for once – put you money where you mouth is - -“

Einstein uh – I’m not quite sure I understand

Fatty whatthehell do you think this place is, perfesser ? ? ?

Einstein what do you mean?

Fatty whatthehell do you think this place is, perfesser ? ? ?

Einstein w h a t a r e y o u s a y i n g ? ? ?

Throughout this exchange, Fatty has steadily played out the game again. The cards are reshuffled and – the scientist enters –

Fatty w h a t t h e h e l l do you this this place is, perfesser ? ? ?

Scientist Ah solitaire! May I play too?

Fatty EVERY ONE’S A PLAYER! EVERYONE WINS!

E V E R Y T I I I M M M M E E ! ! ! ! !

Einstein Impossible – it is a game of chance – random –

Fatty G U A R A N T E E E E D A W I N N N E R E V V E R Y Y –

Scientist I’LL PLAY ! ! !

Einstein but it’s preposterous – one cannot play two handed a game designed for one –

Fatty/Scientist Make up a postulation & -

PROVE IT !

This is what all scientists are taught – if I can think such is so – I can prove it to be –

The next round plays out perfectly.

Fatty E V E R R R Y T I M M E A W I N N N N E R ! ! !

Scientist YESSSS it’s true it is it isitisitis

Begbeck, Moses and Soldier enter now and the stage is imbalanced with Einstein alone to

one side. The “throng” begins to form. They all want a piece of the action.

Einstein PLEASE ! – All of you – you are behaving irrationally! Don’t you hear what it is that I am trying to say ? ? There is a PLAGUE a DISEASE you all have. This is why you are behaving the way that you are.

There is silence. All eyes are trained on Einstein.

Einstein Yes. Listen.

For the entire time we have been here, you have thought that this is a celebration – a time to rejoice – but It Is NOT ! We have unwittingly unleashed a HORRIBLE reality upon all of humanity – none have escaped its terrible toll. The moronic plague is upon us now! THERE ARE NO MORE ISSUES – ONLY REALITIES – and the most awesome of them all is this trick of fate – (he sighs a large sigh ) the M O R O N I C P L A G U E is upon us-

NO ONE is sane.

Could behave so irrationally and –

Begbeck what the hell is he going on about?

Moses huh?

Fatty AH – He’s been talking crazy – some delirium or

Einstein SHAKESPEARE SAID IT BEST - - - - -

“We but teach BLOODY

instructions, which, being

taught,

return to PLAGUE the

inventor.”

They all just stare stupidly, silently at this extraordinary outburst –

Einstein FOOLS !

ALL (with indignation)

WELL !

(they stand & like a revival meeting:)

Soldier: The fool’s brigade!

(tambourine.)

Scientist: Laughter is infectious! !

(hands up!)

Reporter: Spread work of mouth! ! !

Einstein: The Moronic Plague is mighty contagious! ! ! !

(He leads!)

They freeze . . . . .

Fatty, Begbick and Moses enter. The pack up the set around the four actors frozen.

Begbick: (to audience) This is a fact too many know but too many forget: “The people sensible enough to give good advice. . .

Fatty: . . . . are usually sensible enough . . .

Moses: . . . to give none.

The Reporter, Soldier and Scientist slowly turn to face the audience. They are wearing magna-masks. They look grotesque and silly at the same time. This trio of weirdness speaks together.

Trio: So. Step right up and sit ye down for the moronic plague is

The three freeze in same stance as before. This time facing the audience.

Einstein: Some . . things . . . . have to . . . be . . . . .be . . . .believed!

All: To be seen! ! !

Black.

Lights come back on.

Scene VI

Black.

Voice: Always do well. It will gratify some people.

Einstein: And astonish the rest ! ! !

Einstein I am truly a ‘lone traveler’ and have never belonged to my country, my friends or even my immediate family, with my whole heart; in the face of all these ties, I have never lost a sense of distance; a need for solitude – feelings which increase with the years.

“O youth: Do you know your is not the first generation to yearn for a life full of beauty and freedom? Do you know that all your ancestors felt as you do – and fell victim to trouble and hatred?

Fatty/Moses Einstein said – “Do not pride yourself on the few great men who, over the centuries, have been born on your earth through no merit of yours. Reflect, rather, on how you treated them at the time and how you have treated their teachings.”

Soldier Einstein said: “Violence may have cleared away obstructions quickly, but it never as proved itself creative.”

Scientist Einstein said: “Do not worry about your difficulty in mathematics. I can assure you that mine are still greater.”

Moses Einstein said: “It is a mistake often made in this country to measure things by the amount they cost.”

Ensemble Einstein said:

Begbick “It is only to the individual that a soul is given.”

Scientist “In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.”

Ensemble Einstein said: “ This is what I have to say about Bach’s life work:

Soldier Listen,

Scientist Play,

Fatty Love,

Begbick Revere –

Moses and keep your mouth SHUT.”

Einstein steps forward into his spot. He removes his glasses, his wig, and his moustache

and other “Einstein” characteristics revealing his self to audience.

Actor Nuclear was won’t be a question of what’s right, but rather what’s left!

BLACK

Voice End of Act II

End of the MORONIC PLAGUE

Is it?

Fade to black.

RELATIONSHIPS . . . . . .

(Einstein is a non-participating observer)

“PERSONAL”

“a constantly repeating, redundant, repetitious redundancy.”

1) a+b 2) c+d 3) a+c 4) c+b 5) d+a 6) b+d

the thrust of these vignettes is the sameness in situations

Renovations - - changing - - making ‘it’ ours

a) Oh! THIS is PERFECT! JUST PERFECT!!

b) I LOVE IT! PERRRRRFECT yes. P’RFCT p’rfct, p’rfct.

a) Empty space – Open areas – YESSSSPACCCCCEYESSS!

b) ROOOM- room to move – be – rooommmmy roomssss rooms some rooms a room here and one here and –

a) yesyes Yes! Space for ROOOMS! ROOMS! Rooms – open areas give rooms space to be - -

b) be ROOOMMMY – like – like – I LIKE lots of rooms in this big empty space.

Then a) +b) start to renovate the space. They erect walls - install door frames – They

change their minds – confer – then they concur – finish “YESSSS-P’RFCTp’rfctp’rfct.”

Black.

End of Act II

End of the Moronic Plague.

Is it?